The Surprise by Barry Yourgrau

 

Here's a buzzing blaster by Barry Yourgrau entitled:

THE SURPRISE
My date for the evening calls me to tell me she has a big surprise waiting for me when I pick her up. This really electrifies me. She is a pretty wild customer, she must have something extra-special cooked up. I leave my sports-coat and sweater in the closet and get out my zebra-striped dovetail coat, it's totally outrageous, but after that phone call I know I have the nerve to pull it off. I look in the mirror and there I am, a little kinky but definitely loaded with sexy pizzazz. I am going to bowl her over.

I dance up the stairs to her place, an exotic bunch of paper flowers in my fist, I punch the buzzer on the downbeat of the little tune I'm carrying. There's no answer, it's all part of the surprise of course, I whinny like a horse and push open the door.

"Surprise!" a voice squeaks. I look around, finally I see her, she's on the sofa. I drop the flowers, my mouth falls open. She's barely twelve inches tall! "How do you like it?" she asks. She turns herself one way then the other. "It took me all day," she says. "I'm not quite dry yet, so why don't you make yourself a drink before we go."

I have my drink, then another. I'm too much in shock to say anything. When she says she's ready I finally get my voice back and try to talk her into having dinner where we are. But she insists on going out as planned. "Or do you think this is too much for you to handle?" she inquires coyly. "Of course not!" I retort. "Why should it be?"

In the restaurant she sits on the table on an overturned cup. I have picked out the darkest, most isolated booth in the place, but even so people won't stop staring - they don't touch their food, they just lean out of their seats and crane their necks and stare. The maitre d' finally has to get up on a chair and plead with everyone to ignore us.

I am so embarrassed I can hardly see straight. My date loves it. She has me mash up her ravioli and feed it to her with a matchstick. She asks me if I still think I can handle it. "You bet I can," I tell her fiercely. I can see now exactly what her little game is. "Alright then," she smirks, "give me some wine!"

I shove the glass in front of her before I realize the effects a few sips are going to have. Immediately she gets cockeyed. She gives me a lascivious wink, licking her lips. She slides off the cup and starts doing a striptease. horrified, I hiss at her to cut it out. She leers at me. "I thought you could take it!" she squeaks. In a panic I grab a napkins and hold it up around her. She hauls off her skirt, she's stark naked. She pitches headlong onto my plate and starts rolling around in the spaghetti.

A waiter appears at my shoulder to clear off the dishes. He stares at the heaving napkin. I grin up at him with all my teeth and shrug my shoulders. He looks at me strangely and says he will come back later.

By now my date has a piece of spaghetti worked in between her legs, she is oohing and aahing squealing at me, What do I think now? What do I think now? People are buzzing and rising from their chairs. The waiter is on his way back with the maitre d'. Frantically I throw down some money, I cram my date up in the napkin and bolt to my feet and shove her wriggling and squealing under my coat. I get ten feet towards the exit when the force of an explosion knocks me flying.

I come to in a heap under the table. My date is sprawled on her back in the middle of the floor. She is shockingly full-sized, smeared with tomato sauce and spaghetti, her ass is churning away furiously, her hands clutch at her thighs. "Come on, you little prick!" she roars. "Come on! Come on! Let's see you handle a big, fat, man-sized pussy!"

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The Surprise is among the dozens of flash fiction in Barry Yourgrau's collection - A Man Jumps Out of an Airplane