In Self-Defense by Fernando Sorrentino

In Self-Defense by Fernando Sorrentino - a tale that spins into the preposterous, so ridiculous it becomes rib-tickling hilarious.

Similar to the above photo of the gal standing by a giant matchbox and striking all those broomstick-size matches, the comedy in this Fernando Sorrentino yarn relies not only on timing but exaggeration, exaggeration to the point of over-the-top absurdity.

The tale is told in the first-person by narrator Mr. Sorrentino but, heck, I'll call him Fernando.

Fernando tells us it all started about ten o'clock on a Saturday morning when his eldest son Juan, who's the devil incarnate (narrator's actual description), scrawled a barely noticeable curlicue on the door of a neighbor's apartment.

Fernando's initial reaction is to simply keep quiet but honesty wins out (helped by the fact he knows the cost of repair would be minimal) and Fernando raps on the neighbor's door to apologize.

Turns out, the neighbors, the Hoffers, three in number, are all blonde and speak with an accent that's either German or Austrian or Swiss. They laugh good-naturedly and ascribe no importance whatsoever to the scrawl.

No sooner does Fernando return to his apartment than he sees a tiny white envelop by the door. Inside, in a minute blue handwriting, there's a note of apology from the Hoffer family about any aggravation Mr. and Mrs. Sorrentino might have suffered as the result of the inconsequential scrawl. "Good heavens!" Fernando exclaims, "Such genteel people. They not only don't get angry, but they offer apologies to boot."

To repay such extraordinary kindness, Fernando takes a new children's book he was keeping as a gift for his son and offers it as a present to little Wilhelm who just so happens to be the same age as Juan.

Then, at twelve o'clock noon, a uniformed messenger arrives at Fernando's door with a gushing note from the Hoffers and presents Fernando with two dozen roses.

Just at that moment, Fernando's wife returns from shopping and insists they invite the Hoffers to their apartment for tea. This invitation prompts the Hoffers to, in turn, invite Fernando and family to their country estate.

Such generous hospitality causes Fernando to take little Willie Hoffer for a walk thought the town. In front of a toyshop window, Fernando asks Willie what he would like from the store. Willie replies: "A horse."

Fernando thinks the lad is referring to a toy horse, but no - he wants a real horse. Thus we see Willie up front and Fernando sitting behind on the behind of a real, live horse as the two ride their way back to the Hoffer county house.

Of course, the Hoffers reciprocate. The next thing you know, Fernando watches as Mr. Hoffer teaches ten-year-old son Juan how to ride a motorcycle.

The exchanges continue back and forth, right up to the point where Fernando sets a little trap for each Hoffer: Mrs. Hoffer evaporates in a cloud of smoke when she puts on a mink coat Fernando purchased from a Congo witch doctor; Mr. Hoffer rides a train into an erupting volcano; and little Willie is shot to one of the ten moons orbiting the planet of Saturn.

Now that, my friends, is a literary lollapalooza!

Read In Self-Defense for yourself. Link to the story in its entirety: http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-sto...


Argentine author Fernando Sorrentino, born 1942