I Never Go to the Movies (Nunca voy al cine ) - The spirit of Fellini lives on in this Enrique Vila-Matas flash fiction.
What is Pampanini to think when a tall butler stands in his way after he enters the home of Rita Malu where he's been invited to a party?
And when he has to wend his way though a complex network of rooms and corridors in order to reach the party in an unusually tiny living room, Pampanini knows for certain that at any moment someone is going to give him a nasty surprise.
Finally, when a door creaks open and Pampanini sees Rita Malu and can tell her how glad he could come, Rita, to his surprise says, "So am I." Pampanini asks, "But isn't this your house?" Ignoring his question, Rita leads Pampanini upstairs to the roof terrace where there's groups of guests, small red party lights and a piano.
The view from the terrace is splendid but Panpanini feels slightly dizzy and has an odd sense of impending doom. All quite weird as is the scene of two ladies throwing cream cakes at one another.
Panpanini is standing there when an American by the name of Glen approaches and mistakes him for a dead movie director, enthusiastically congratulating Pampanini on his great scene where a female slave bathes naked in the Tigris.
Just at that moment an old lady comes up and berates Pampanini for his atheism but thanks him for his subsequent conversion to Catholicism. Pampanini tells them that they are both obviously confusing him with someone else.
The old lady goes off to fetch a fat man with a double chin so he can play the piano. The man, Rossi by name, trips over Pampanini's foot on the way to the piano and then tells everyone his playing the piano tonight is dedicated to the famous film director who has honored them all with his presence. Pampanini speaks up: "That man died some time ago." Everyone laughs, thinking Pampanini is simply displaying his keen wit.
Pampanini continues: "My name is Alfredo Pampanini and I'm a calligrapher. More laughter and applause. Again Pampanini continues, explaining this mistaken identity is all the more ludicrous since he's never been to a movie theater in his life, that his imagination has always been too full to the brim to waste precious hours sitting in the dark. Everyone thinks he's playing a joke on them.
More party gaiety and Rita introduces Pampanini to two attractive female friends of hers but after a time Rita moves Pampanini to the other side of the terrace and asks if it is true he really has never been to the movies.
Glen the American approaches, furious, and starts berating Rita for having so little alcohol at her party. Pampanini asks, "Why do you want to drink so much?" "To get myself drunk," replies Glen and then stomps off only to bring a chair back and insists Panpanini take a seat. Sensing the American's hostility, Panpanini does exactly as he's told.
Panpanini has barely recovered from all the strangeness at the party when, just then, Glen deals Rita a ferocious slap across her face. Panpanini gasps, never having seen such outlandish behavior in all his life.
Then, as if a film running in speed-up time, Glen jumps over the terrace railing and bounds across the rooftops - with fat Rossi in pursuit!
What happens next is even more bizarre. For English readers, pick up a copy of Enrique Vila-Matas' short-story collection Vampire in Love and read the tale's concluding sentences. You'll be reminded of Federico Fellini.
Spanish author Enrique Vila-Matas, born 1948
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