German
author Klabund aka Alfred Henschke (1890-1928) wrote many
short-stories, a recurrent theme: anti-war and anti-military. This is
certainly the case with his short-short-story A Raw Recruit, a
tale with a number of memorable lines and images. Here's the first half
of Klabund's pithy snapper written shortly after the end of World War I.
Enjoy!
A RAW RECRUIT
Though I've long been deceased, I
received a draft notice ordering me to report for active duty. This
surprised me to no end, and despite the stir my appearance aroused on
the street I dutifully presented myself at the district command post.
'Excuse
me, sir,' I rattled my teeth and shook the bone dust from my feet,
'there must be some mistake here. I expired back in 1797 in the Great
Revolution - of natural causes, as strange as that may seem. I choked on
a chicken bone. And now I'm suppose to serve my country? Isn't this a
contradiction in terms?'
The Sergeant-Major eyed me suspiciously. 'Great Revolution? Are you some kind of Red or something?'
'If you please, sir, the point precisely is that I am not. Understand? I was..."
'Don't
you mince words with me, fella! You're an anarchist! Some gall to
negate God and country, which it is your duty to protect!'
'Sergeant-Major, sir, he who is himself negated can hardly have the energy or the wish to negate anything or anyone else.'
The
Sergeant-Major wrinkled his brow. 'That's enough of that! Spare me the
philosophy! You have no respect for history and rank! Take it up with my
subordinates. When were you born?'
'1747'
'1747? But for
God's sake, man, that means you belong to the national reserves. We
don't quibble over dates here. You do have a damned narrow chest. Any
other notable physical defects?'
'Bone rot!' I screamed and let yellow dust fall from my ribs.
'You do look a little under-nourished after all! You can go now. Wait for new orders.'
---------------------------
For readers of English, A Raw Recruit can be found in Tales of the German Imagination that's part of the Penguin Classics. 
German author Klabund aka Alfred Henschke
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