Chapter 4
The Battery-Powered Match Smugglers
A few months before Persona Iseka's arrival in the Technocracy, a major campaign against battery-powered match smugglers had begun across the country. The aforementioned devices were a technocratic invention. They were used to light cigarettes, cooking gas, wood, or paper, over and over again, for a very long time. They were the size of a common wooden match. Their tiny batteries of energy proved incredibly long-lasting. The inhabitants of Soria tried to copy the invention, but with very poor results. Their matches were very large, didn't last as long, and were more expensive. Nevertheless, Soria matches began to appear throughout the Technocracy. Apparently, a tight-knit gang of smugglers brought these devices from Soria in order to sink the national industry. Judging by the government's diatribes and concern, millions of foolish citizens preferred to buy expensive smuggled goods over the cheap, obviously superior technocratic matches.
Every so often, the Army or the I double E seized large quantities of smuggled merchandise and destroyed it by fire.
This campaign against battery-powered match traffickers, which reached the point of a national obsession, was organized by the Language Monitor, which, among other functions, was in charge of a part of the country's economy. Monitor officials wrote songs against those who plagiarized patents, engaged in industrial espionage, and targeted those who "arrogantly" smuggled battery-powered matches. These songs were then sung by activists and members of the Technocratic Youth Movement.
TTTTTTTTTTTT
The industrial espionage thing made sense, but not the matchsticks. It was evident that the technocratic government itself was bringing those poor-quality matches from Soria to provide evidence against its enemies.
The entire campaign was aimed at combating religions and sects opposed to the Technocracy and allowing those considered palatable; that is, encouraging the latter's free play and survival.
In this sense, the heaviest caliber weapons were secretly directed against the Exatheist Congregation.
The Exatheist religion was a bloodthirsty cult that allowed human sacrifices. But more than this, what made it so unique was the way in which such sacrifices were carried out.
Each of its six gods had a temple specially designed and dedicated to their worship. These were strange constructions, a mixture of Chinese rococo, pagoda style, and Arabic mosque with tall minarets. The gods were called: Monocatechu, Bitheca, Tritaltechu, Tetra-Meltuchu, Penta-Coltuchu, and Ex-Atlaltechu. Each god determined the number of minarets his temple would have, how many priests (one per minaret), the number of human sacrifices to be offered, and the age of the victims.
Thus, the temple of Monocatechu had a single minaret, one priest, and an old man was sacrificed to him every half-year. Bitheca required two minarets, the same number of priests, and two old men died on the twin sacrificial stones, although their ages were somewhat younger than that of the one consecrated to Monocatechu.
Everything continued in the same way until Ex-Atlaltechu, where six children were sacrificed on the minarets in each half-year.
As far as possible, only children or firstborn sons were consecrated to Monocatechu. A Bitecapoca would produce twins, and when there were twins, twins. Tritaltetoco would devour triplets, etc.
The first and seventh months belonged to Monocateca, the second and eighth were ruled by Bitecapoca, and so on. In total, there were forty-two sacrifices a year.
Once the victims were naked and tied to the sacrificial stones of the high minarets, at the corresponding hour and day of the month, and over the crowd of fanatics gathered in the temple courtyard, the priest would pronounce some magical words. Then something extraordinary would happen: an apparition would descend upon the minaret, so swift and fleeting that no one could even glimpse what it was.
The popular belief, never denied by the priesthood, which always referred to this type of sacrifice in half-words, was that this creature possessed its victims against nature; regardless of whether the first fruits offered were men or women.
The entire act, I hope this is clearly understood, lasted no more than a few fractions of a second. Despite being gagged and at a great height, when the descent occurred, a scream of pain could be clearly heard, instantly stifled. In reality, there were several screams, cut short by death and successive, only that, as the creature spread its "favors" so rapidly, they were heard as one.
Immediately, jets of blood fell upon the fanatics, who howled, "Bitecapoca is great!"—or whatever the name of the god was.
It was believed that anyone touched by blood, even a single drop, was assured of paradise, no matter how many crimes he had committed. Thus, the faithful vied fiercely for the most propitious places.
The technocrats accused the ex-atheist priests of deluding the crowd with some stage trick. According to what they said, the priests themselves slaughtered their victims with knives and then burned them in holocausts to eliminate the evidence. There was no descent of divinity or anything of the sort.
Now, the technocrats knew perfectly well that there was no trick involved. They said this to discredit the saints and make them look like liars. By instilling doubt among the people, they would diminish the The suggestive power of that terrible miracle.
Their six gods, particularly Exatlaltelico, the most venerated and powerful, were usually coated with an extremely holy ointment, a kind of alcoholic yogurt. What a strange ritual.
But in the Technocracy, there were many other religions and sects, which barely concealed the hatred and distrust they felt toward each other. There were, for example, the mummifiers, whose male followers, through a complicated chemical and surgical process, induced the necrosis of their penises. These were attached to their owners but mummified. Useless for any sexual use. The women of the sect did the same with their breasts.
They worshipped two gods. One of them was entirely made of stone, except for his penis, made of lard and attached to the statue. When spring came, with the consequent rise in temperature, the member softened and emanated. But in winter, they placed an ogre in front of him. It was a cult exactly opposite to those of fertility.
The second deity of these beautiful people was an enormous golden goddess with lead breasts screwed into place.
They maintained that these two gods were the only ones that existed, manifesting great hatred for the exatheists. The problem was that the exatheists also defended their six gods, claiming there were no other true ones. Since they had infinitely more followers than they did, they subjected them to relentless persecution throughout the world, nearly exterminating them. A few thousand took refuge in the Technocracy, where at the beginning of the Monitorial Government there was religious freedom and the exatheists were far from being well regarded.
But the tranquility of the mummified ones was short-lived. The technocratic state began to persecute all bloodthirsty religions, whether they performed human sacrifices on consecrated victims or mutilated the bodies of their followers. The pressure was gradual, covert at first. The technocrats were well aware of the power wielded by all those fanatics; particularly the dervishes, priestesses, and saints who obeyed the dictates of the Sublime Exarchal Gate (as they called Daipichilysis, the Exarch, sometimes also called His Triumphant Devotion).
There were other religions, of greater or lesser power: icosahedrist, monotheist, and many more.
Extremely curious was the sect of the Nostrilers, whose god was a root. Thus, as soon as a child was born, they cut off the appendage of the nose.
There were the Eararians, who worshipped two large ears, one of gold and one of silver. I suppose I need not tell you the fate of the ears of the children born to these sectarians. But the most notable thing was the hatred they felt for the Nostrilers. They mutually accused each other of being heretics, apostates, cruel, and inhuman. We had the same kind of eye-gazers, who tore out their eyes. The ass-gazers, who cut off their asses. The right-legged ones, the left-legged ones.
One sect had a grudge against the right testicle and would cut it off with scissors. From within this congregation emerged a group that claimed that the right testicle was fine, but that it had to be cut off with red-hot pliers. "Using scissors is sacrilege," they maintained. A bloody schism ensued, which was resolved with knives.
Another sect, the left-testicular ones, defended the same Manichean worldview as the previous one, only they reversed the polarity. The left testicle was evil, while the right one was considered most holy. Sins of the flesh came from that devil with a left testicle. Once cut off, the believer was cleansed in the first place. From then on, they were authorized to do everything.
There were also those who were forbidden sexual relations. Once a year, they practiced collective masturbation on a large temple vessel.
With this semen, the priests proceeded to artificially inseminate the parishioners in order to perpetuate the species.
Others, finally, could have intercourse, but without caresses and with the minimum possible pleasure.
As already mentioned, the great campaign against "patent plagiarists and smugglers" was dedicated above all to attacking the Exatheist Congregation; not because the other sects mentioned were liked by the technocrats, but because this was the most powerful.
The Exatheist dervishes and holy men printed leaflets and posters in their clandestine printing presses, distributing them or posting them near the pagodas. They were more or less along these lines:
Could there ever have existed in the history of our country a regime that, like the technocrat, attacked the holy religious work of Exatheism? All our efforts and promptness, even the smallest, are blocked by the State.
In this regard, we will point out—and this is just one example among hundreds—the suppression, by order of a supervisory order, of the festival of the Most Beneficial Exaltation of the Holy Spirit, on whose day it was no longer mandatory for businesses to close their doors. And what shall we say about the relentless persecution to which the members of the College of Priestesses, inextinguishable celebrants of Montoncito de Leptra, are subjected? Our Vestal Virgins become overexcited at being unexpectedly attacked in their laborious exercises.
For the rest, how can the Exatheist Congregation continue to bless the people, now that they have been deprived, by the State, of the continuous putrefaction of the blood that fell from the holy sacrificial stones? The cruelty (?) of our rites is used as an argument. If so, why is the Separate Congregation of Spiritual Ex-Atheists, which only performs sacrifices symbolically, without actually pouring precious liquids, being persecuted? They too are under the ill-fated label "Bloody Religions."
The congress of Saints gathered in Velolar, capital of Exapirifacia, under the presidency of Daipichilysis, Sublime Porte, has issued a triternaria as a warning and admonition. Surely, neither the Venerables of the Divan nor the Exarch wish to escalate their severity, such as a tetragony, a pentaglory, or something worse. That is precisely why they do not do so. But this persecutory state of affairs must end, for the good of all.
Moved by pain, we beg, on our knees before the Monitor, but with the Vector of ZPiedra held high, for the repeal of such unjust measures of his.
The allusion to the Vector was a euphemism for, you know, what. This was exploited by the technocrats who, playing dumb, said: "See? See? They are admitting that they themselves are the ones who kill."
Another flyer:
We inform all the residents attending the rites at the Tetra-Meltuky Four Minaret Pagoda, belonging to our district, that yesterday the following festivals, which were the joy of children, were canceled due to inconvenience: The Rotten Finger That Digs Your Tail, The Ghost That Comes at Night, The Stellar Black Hole That Swallows You Forever, and the most moving of all: Celebration of the Aquetedestripo in My Minarets.
Ultimately and clearly, what is already evident by now, is that the technocratic government's objective is none other than to completely suppress all religious activity of the Exatheist Congregation.
But the most detestable, insufferable, and horrible decree of all—horror at its most selective—is the one that banned human sacrifices with a single stroke. Those forty-two deaths a year are necessary for the stability of the cosmos. They seem like a nonsense, when you consider the multitude of benefits. Who knows how many disasters, such as floods, earthquakes, and wars, they prevent? Thousands upon thousands of deaths and catastrophes. Forty-two a year isn't that many, anyway, and the victims who have the good fortune to be chosen go straight to heaven, as if they were being thrown down a tube. Remember, they volunteer. Except for children of a certain age, of course, but their parents choose for them.
Several painful incidents took place the day before yesterday—silenced by the entire technocratic press—in the neighboring neighborhood of Entelequia, of which the members of their respective ex-atheist congregation were victims.
While the high-ranking saint Sebastian Chanchin Iseka was in the pagoda of five Pentacoltuco minarets, covering the image of Pentacoltuco with mystic ointment, a group of young men in uniform belonging to the Technocratic Youth Movement burst into the pagoda shouting "Long live the Technocracy" and "Death to the patent-licensors and battery-powered match smugglers." As is known, the Most Venerable Saints are barbarously accused of patent-licensors and smuggling.
It was horrendous.
After raising a ruckus for ten minutes, everyone croaked the following harassing chant:
"The patent plunderers, the filthy patent plunderers, will soon be hanging from a post.
With their eyes on our Monitor,
the smuggling of battery-powered matches will end,
end,
end,
end. Hit them, hit them hard
until sparks come out of their asses."
Those unsavory scoundrels continued like this for another ten interminable minutes.
The holy man was at that moment wearing the lead ornaments—for only with them does the ritual permit touching Pentacoltuco with ointment—which, weighing heavily, almost impeded all kinds of weightless movements. Keep in mind that the poor old man was carrying almost 25 kilos of lead.
Lacking any kind of honor and shame, these scoundrels, vile scoundrels, and low-class scoundrels, with all the vileness and Apache airs, attacked the Most Venerable Santon in word and deed. In the most reckless manner, the scoundrels.
Shortly before the turn of events, the Most Venerable proceeded to eat the ointment to prevent it from being desecrated by the enemy. This latter was the cause of the Most Venerable Santon's sickly state, not that he was drunk "like a biting fly," as was brazenly and maliciously claimed, and that he didn't respect "even his own five-minaret pagoda."
When the squanderers located Pentacoltuco's servant, they began to hurl vulgar insults at him—the most frequent cries were "Child murderers! Criminals! Stop killing women and the elderly!" Or, alternatively, "Why don't you kill each other on the stones," a clear allusion to the Holocaust stones. And also: "Go murder people in Soria!" --and tug at his chest. It's worth noting that, while he was defending himself with the courage of a corridor, proper to the leaden torso of an Abencerraje in the Patio de Leones, the Most Venerable Santon Chanchin Iseka was continually intoning songs in praise of Pentacoltuco, pictorial of righteous anger at the desecration, and not because -- as was later shamelessly stated -- "he was extremely happy because of the foolishness of the alcoholic yogurt he had eaten."
Fortunately, they withdrew after mocking him to their hearts' content, contenting themselves with this, without doing anything else to him, except for two final Ukrist taunts, futuristic in their savage, cave-like horde-like wickedness, which dug in like stones, spreading circles over the Most Venerable's burdened back: "Now we're leaving, but we'll be back to put your legs in a coffin." "Yes, that's it!" howled another of the ogres. "Legs in a box, one hand in the tannery, and one ass in the salting pit."
Parents of the infants, on the other hand, were notified that children were prohibited from entering the pagodas, even if the sacrifice was not human, but of the most innocent. The Leg Monitor maintains that children are exposed to a "horrible ideological maceration" (sic) when they contemplate certain paintings and prints inside the pagodas. These works of art show, as is well known, only edifying images. For example: two very venerable holy men, in front of the half-veiled Bitecapoca, witness the Descent of the Vector upon a pair of happy old men who are basking in their respective nearby minarets. The old men are almost identical, from which we realize that they are twins.
This act, almost indirect in its physical form, simplified to the point of being barely visible, but replete with suggestive spiritual and symbolic details, is intended to remind the child, from his earliest childhood, that this painful world is unfortunately filled with horrible actors of sadism inspired by Minolochus, the God of Evil; thus, one must be prepared to face any premature impalement at the turn of a thorn, and at the hands of the first evildoer. To avoid all this and to thwart the desires of Minolochus, the malevolent deity who sits on the red stones and has long, green nails, the rite was established. The people are joyfully carried to the holy hands of a benevolent holocaust, where there is no suffering of any kind, but rather the opposite, and from which one travels by sacred tube to the paradise promised by the prophet Polyculitetoca, who died barely 3,886 years ago.
In the same plate, a large number of children can be seen attending the sacrifice. From their sweetly happy faces, it is clear that they accept the initiation through which they will not be deprived of their sacrificial stone, where they will undoubtedly end up when they grow up, or at any time, if they behave well. And even if they misbehave, because that is how tolerant Bitecapoca is.
According to the Monitory's directive, minors will not be allowed to attend the pagodas unless the aforementioned paintings and images are removed from them. The pretext, brandished as an argument (?), was: "These are highly sadistic (!!) and obscene works" (sic). The exclamation points in parentheses belong to us. What sadism are they talking about? Ritual killings are completely painless, it's been proven.
Another incident. The day before yesterday, a junior officer (a brat from the Youth Movement) approached a physically gifted young parishioner who was about to enter a pagoda with three tritaltoquic minarets. "What's your name?" the monster asked. "Soria," she replied with sweet innocence. "Soria!" croaked the other, his features hardening. He let out a brutal howl and then added this rather uninspiring comment: "You won't be saved even if you have big tits."
The girl was arrested and was never heard from again, no matter how much the three Most Venerable Ones of the pagoda pleaded with the police.
A number of young criminals, in or out of uniform, continually approach the gates of our pagodas. They raise their noses as the worshippers of the current god enter the Courtyard of the Lions under the minarets, saying, "What is this horrible smell of Soria?" And other such outrageous attacks. Does the High Government not understand that we are not Soria, nor do we want to be forced to be? The annoying story surrounding the yogurt with which we paint our gods is a mere coincidence. We ex-atheists, in our private lives, never, ever eat yogurt. What's more, it is forbidden by dogma, as it would be sacrilege to eat the food of the gods. Do our self-proclaimed enemies not understand that we could be the best, most faithful, and loyal servants of the State that it could have if it wanted? Why are we forced to choose between our beliefs and the technocratic idea, which in many cases we also share? We hope that this unfriendly state will disappear, and that our Superior Government will finally understand that the exatheist Congregation and the technocratic cause are by no means incompatible. A good first step toward reconciliation would be for the Superior Government to allow the continuation of human sacrifices. We have plump, magnificent quintuplets who have been waiting their turn for a while. We can start here. We hope not only that the Monitor will authorize it, but that he will also attend the holocaust. There's no need for him to attend at an official level. He can do so out of curiosity, as a person interested in the study of our religion. We know that the head of state has a hobby of filmmaking. Just this once, we will authorize the filming of the ritual.
The exatheists, with diabolical intelligence, had discovered the Monitor's secret weakness. They believed him quite capable of slacking off out of curiosity and to avoid losing the physical record of that unique act. And they were right. The supreme leader was making a film and was looking for unusual materials. This was a secret known to few people. How the ex-atheists had found out was a mystery. Monitor spent a bad, indecisive quarter of an hour. He knew perfectly well that they were setting a trap for him: if he attended, he would no longer have the moral authority to prohibit further sacrifices. He doubted it very much, but in the end, with a maximum effort of will, he decided to play deaf and refused authorization. The cause is the cause.
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