Chapter 41
The Refrigerator Looter
At the Soria School of Law, students in an advanced course had as their textbook Dr. Garduna Pericote Soria's thesis: Toward an Arbitrary Theological Law. These are the final excerpts (the professor will forgive the short summary):
If the accused fell into a legal concept as contrary to law as innocence, to eliminate the contradiction, he would be burned alive along with the case files and erased from the archives. For Soria justice, the accused is always guilty; and even more so when he is innocent.
If even the slightest evidence exists, he can be sentenced to death. The slightest evidence consists of a simple rumor such as "something someone believes they heard from another." Etc.
...; as for contradictory laws, they are intended to give the judge greater discretion regarding the different legal concepts.
Chamber of Mayors of the House and Parliament. Valladolid, Soria.
Year 1584, of the appearance of soriasis in Soria.
The evil and half-muzzled tongues said that this book had been written by the country's dictator himself, that is, the Soria Soriator himself. He didn't hesitate to affirm the falsity of such an accusation, as the other was too brutal for such subtlety. In any case, the Super awarded the author a gold medal weighing half a kilo.
Garduna Pericote Soria, the aforementioned judge, had a personal enemy whose obsession consisted of raiding refrigerators. He hated him. His hatred was so great that simply arresting him on any charge and applying torture, followed by didactic ablation of various parts, seemed like a trivial matter. He found it necessary to subdue him, to somehow force him to surrender his delirium before killing him.
When I left him money so I could accuse him of something bigger, he was incredibly disappointed because the other guy didn't steal it. Not at all. He ransacked the refrigerator as usual.
Joining forces with his friends, they left the windows open and lots of jewelry and money in plain sight. Nothing. He imperturbably handed out handfuls of gems and raided the refrigerator, eating chicken, flan, and drinking exquisite wines.
Desperate, he didn't accuse him yet.
A doctor he trusted made herself "undefended," in disrobed, so she could charge him with the crime of contempt. She, with her breasts on generous display, pretended to be asleep. He certainly looked at her at will, but he didn't rape her, and instead he looted the refrigerator. He liked women, but seduction through violent means wasn't in his plans.
Dr. Garduna loathed him. Through him, he abhorred all unusual characters. He felt that accusing him of something as silly as raiding refrigerators wasn't hitting the metaphysical note. So, with the help of some esoteric friends, Dr. Soria created a powerful spell to affect his enemy's space-time, transporting him to another era, dimension, and circumstances entirely different from those he had previously known. This, because it was difficult to assimilate, would affect his psyche, rendering him particularly vulnerable. In reality, it was a variation on the well-known astral travel; his doubles would have adventures while their bodies remained immobile, immersed in the magicians' false sleep.
Dr. Garduna Pericote stopped the time machine. There were only five years left until 1789. Since the French Revolution was about to arrive, he said to himself: "I'll wait until the storming of the Bastille and then I'll have him gutted. Let's see if he'll give in."
The other man spent the next five years smashing iceboxes. He ate cakes, roast meat, pheasant, black olives, butter, cheese, and other items. Meanwhile, the doctor, consumed by hatred, was always waiting.
When the Revolution broke out, he had him arrested on the false charge of conspiring against the State. His henchman Robespierre—with whom he had been careful to become close before anyone else knew him—signed the execution order. Furthermore, he left the execution of the sentence entirely in Pericote's hands. The doctor then ordered him to be placed in a cell, along with several other prisoners accused of being aristocrats. The chamber opened onto two corridors. One of them, evidently, led to freedom. The other led to a small, clearly visible, dead-end room with a refrigerator plugged into a magical electrical outlet. Baring his teeth in a sharp, malignant grin, he said, "Now he'll give in. He'll bow his head."
That night, the cell door opened by itself, as if by chance. The other inmates fled down the long corridor, fleeing. But not him. He went into the small room and ransacked the refrigerator. He ate the truffled turkey, the ice cream, the spicy humita empanadas, drank the Coca-Cola with rum, and even devoured the ham and cheese special that the executioner at the guillotine had reserved for him to eat that very night. His freedom and his life mattered a great deal to him. Only, he thought, quite rightly, if the others had had the power to bring him there, they would have finished him off anyway. Since the other way out was also false, it was better to fall willingly and die in the law itself.
The doctor, desperate upon seeing this, wrapped a telephone wire around his tongue and plugged the two prongs into the socket. That false judge died a horrendous death.
The refrigerator slasher, on the other hand, continued eating, and the illusory world created by the chichis was transformed: the guillotine caught fire (even the steel jewel spontaneously combusted); the buildings dissolved, giving way to modern constructions with public telephones; the tricoteusses executioners, amid screams, were swept away like children and replaced by girls in miniskirts. The night ended, and the sun rose exactly above the moon; thus, before the moon had completely disappeared, there was both moon and sun at the same time. The assailant found himself walking through the streets of the city of Soria. He entered a house that seemed unguarded, and, taking advantage of the fact that the maid was moaning in a corner with her boyfriend—who was making all sorts of suspicious movements right next to her—he went and raided the refrigerator. He wasn't one to interfere where he wasn't called.
Comments
Post a Comment